When you are going through hell, keep going....

By now most of our closest friends and family know that on May 18th Ryan's Dad TC died in a plane crash in California. It's taken me a while to sit down with a clear mind and write about this, especially with out breaking down. But I felt it's time to get my thoughts and thanks out to everyone.

Tom (TC) spent his adult life serving our country in the Navy as a pilot. After 20 some years he retired aa a Captain. After he retired he went commercial and landed (no pun intended) a job as one of Mel Gibson's private pilots. He did this for several years until his dream job came calling. He started working for a company called Aiborne Tactical Advantage Company or ATAC. ATAC is outsourced by the Navy and other airborne defense groups to train their air crews. Basically they play the enemy and simulate attacks in order to train current military pilots in defense. Most of the employees are retired Navy or Airforce members who can't give up flying. It was perfect for TC. Anyone who knew him, even if for a short time, knew that he loved to fly, he lived to fly.

It was on one of the training missions that something went wrong with his plane, causing it to crash. From what we know so far there was an error in the fuel transfer. Both tanks did not transfer fuel at an equal rate. This made the aircraft heavier on one side. That unbalance caused the plane to roll several times until it went down. I won't go in to anymore details here. An investigation is still underway as to the exact cause. We have learned all we can about the where, the when and the how. But we will never have a clear answer for the why. We take deep comfort in the fact that TC left this world doing what he loved most. Not many people can say that.

After waiting for approvals to fly for several months TC finally got back up in the air. Behind him is the Hawker Hunter he flew.

TC also loved his boats. When he shared his boat with you he shared himself with you. Recently Tom and Peggy purchased a new boat. He was talking about taking us on a weekend trip to the Catalina the next time we visited. We did get a chance to stay on it during one of our recent trips to California. It was a very bittersweet experience to say the least. We were saddened by the sight of unfinished projects, the new carpet that he hadn't had a chance to see and the empty captains chair. But it was comforting at the same time. You could feel him there. On our last visit Peggy got another boater in the marina to take us out to the Channel Islands. Although this girl succumbed to sea sickness (not a surprise), it was still an amazing trip. I believe that TC was watching down with happiness that his wife and kids were finally all together enjoying what he enjoyed most. He was probably also thinking, "Kristen if you're going to join this family you need to get a stronger stomach!"

Ryan and I with his Dad plane. So proud.

The new boat "Wait and Sea"

Needless to say the past 7 weeks have been well...tough, really tough. I will never forget the moment Ryan told me about his Dad. It literally felt like a dream and took my breath away. Sometimes when my head drifts back to that instant I still find it unbelievable. From that minute on our world changed. Life has been a mixture of every emotion you can imagine.

So what do you do at a time like this? No one really knows the answer. There isn't an exact answer. There are days that you can't stop crying and feel overwhelmed by sadness. There are days that you have distant perspective and smile with pride in TC. There are days that all you can do is say is "this f*ing sucks. There are days you are mad, days you are happy again, and there are days that you stay silent and just hold the person you love as tight as you can.

I owe an incredible amount of thanks to several people, whom without this time would have been some much more difficult.

To my best friend Jessica, who always knows just what to say to me. Your words of encouragement and comfort literally got me through some of those first days. No one tells it to me straight like you do. I leaned on you so much and you gave me all the support I needed to keep going. I am forever grateful for having you in my life. And as always, when I count my blessings, I count you twice.

To my cousin Carrie, you are an incredible person. I admire you as a wife and friend. You were the first person who dared to make me laugh again. It's terrible that we have grown so close this year because of the losses we have endured. But I am thankful for it none the less. Our similarities are undeniable. And if there is one person I am honored to be alike, it's you. Thank you for being who you are and for all your guidance through this time.

To Pam (Peggy's sister), your ability to put everyone above yourself is remarkable. I was in awe of you and Kenny when we were in California. Thank you for those few minutes in the bathroom during the memorial when I just need sob. I needed a mother's comfort and a really strong drink and you gave me both. I will never forget it. You have a beautiful family, one that I am so glad to be gaining in my life.

To my friend Darcy, thank you for always listening to me and supporting me in ways only a girlfriend can. You are a true true friend. You and Todd took the unecessary stresses away from us in a time when we needed nothing else to worry about. I love that through our guys we have found eachother as close friends.

To Todd, Luke and Corey, words cannot express how thankful I am to you. I will admit that sometimes the best thing for a man going through this kind of loss is not his fiance, but his best buds and a cold beer. I was overwhelmed by your support of Ryan. You are truly great people and I love you dearly.

To my Mom, if I am thankful for one thing it's that you were there with us the day TC died. You were there to cry with us in the moments after we found out. I will always appreciate the motherly comfort you gave Ryan when he needed it most. I know our special day of picking up my wedding dress was not as we planned, but the time we spent in the car that morning after was just what I needed, time with my Mom to cry and vent. I know I have not been easy to deal with these last weeks. When I've had my moments of anger unfortunately you were on the other end of the phone taking the brunt of it. I am so sorry. I feel closer to you now then ever though. You lost your parents so young and I feel like I understand a fraction more of what you went through. You are the greatest Mom and friend I will ever have. I love you so very much.

And to everyone else, ours friends, family and coworkers who sent us their love and condolences, I thank you greatly. I apologize if I was not able to respond to you at the time. But know that every card and message we received meant the world to us. The outpouring of support has been overwhelming.

Ryan, Tricia and Peggy with TC's plane

I also want to take a moment here for Ryan. Ryan we have made it through to the other side. I know there were moments when it didn't feel like we would, but we did. I look back on the last month and a half and I am astonished by you. You have taken on the world and you have succeeded. Whenever someone has asked me how you are doing, I have struggled to answer. Like anyone else going through the loss of a parent, you were not doing well. You were mourning, in shock and sad. But unlike anyone else, you have managed to get out of bed every morning, go to a job you hate, go to grad school (and get A's), endure sleepless nights, all while focusing your love on Peggy and myself. Under such circumstances other people would crumble. A while back in another post I said "There is not a single day that I don't believe Ryan is the man I want to experiene everything with. The good, the bad and the unexpected". This is more true today then ever. Our families are proud of you. I am proud of you. And your Dad would be so proud of you. I love you, I love you, I love you....

Ryan and TC on their first boat "Flying Low" in 2010

I am a silver lining kind of person. And I will admit at first I struggled to find it during this time. But as the weeks have past I have found myself so grateful for several things. I am grateful to all my friends and family who have been my support and kept me going so that I can be strong for Ryan. I am grateful for my new family, for which I have grown so much closer with during this time. I am grateful for the two great trips we took to California the last couple of years to spend time with TC and Peggy. I am grate for the last time I spoke to TC on the phone only a month before. And I am grateful to have learned so much about my father in law that I otherwise would probably not have.

So what does this mean for our wedding? Well in the first weeks after the accident nothing else mattered anymore. All the things I had previously been focusing one seemed so silly and unimportant. Let's face it, they kind of are. All that mattered to me was that Ryan was ok. Now that a little time has past I have gotten some better perspective. Some things still don't matter. If the cake comes in the wrong color, if the flowers aren't the right kind, if DJ plays a song I hate, if my dress is torn... it doesn't matter. Ok ok don't mess with my dress. But what does matter, as it always has is the people. Our wedding will definitely have a bittersweet undertone. Someone so special to us will be missing. There will be an empty seat we can never fill at our table. But our wedding is a day of joy we are still looking forward to. More then ever we need a day, one whole day, filled with all the people we love, celebrating all that is good in life.

When you are going through hell you keep going. You pull strength from where ever you can, you lean on your closest friends and family, but you keep going. And that is where we are today.

Thank you again everyone for reading, for praying for us and for all your love. We sincerely appreciate it.

Love always,

Kristen

Ryan, TC and I in 2010

Ryan, Peggy and TC in 2010

Ryan raising TC's flag in our most recent trip to California.
Peggy, Tricia and I watching.  A single breeze blew it open as it
reached the top. It was an incredibly moving moment for the four is us.